I haven’t written a blog post in quite a while because I just haven’t known what to say. There have been so many things going on that I could not mentally or emotionally wrap my head around or put into words. I’ve had so many questions, thoughts and concerns as to what is happening and why. As a highly sensitive person and empath, I take on others’ energies and emotions as my own, which I am finding to be a bit harmful to my health and how I show up in the world. During this time of panic and widespread stress, I’ve really had to take a step back and take care of myself. At the same time, I haven’t been able to get out from under this gray cloud of worry and uncertainty.
I’m worried about my future. I am just now starting to feel semi-human and have energy to do things but the world is shut down. I was supposed to go to chef school and that got pushed to next year. I just moved to a new city and I am having a really hard time settling in and feeling at home. I’m worried about my health and the health of others—especially mental health. We need connection with each other, and most importantly, in person connection. Being in the same space as another human being is so powerful and necessary to the human existence. I am thankful for the outlets technology has given us to connect with others but it isn't the same.
I am worried about my fellow chronic illness sufferers. We have enough on our plates as it is and this has been the freaking icing on the cake. I have had more panic attacks this year than I have ever had in my life. I’ve also had things I’ve worked on for years (mental things) that I thought were all sorted out, sneak back into my mind along with depression. It’s been nearly impossible to get into see a practitioner because a lot of alternative treatments are deemed “elective” and therefore aren’t “important” according to the wonderful conventional medical system we have. I don't know about anyone else out there who suffers from extreme musculoskeletal pain, but for me to be a functioning human I need to see my massage therapist and chiropractor regularly. That is something I took for granted because it literally propelled me through life. After a few months of no care at all, I was right back at square one feeling like I was dying. I’m worried about the health of our world and what will happen when this is all over. These things loom in the back of my mind, and on days I’m exhausted and in pain I feel the weight of the world on me. It’s easy to tell someone not to worry about it, but that’s so unhelpful and unsympathetic, especially to a person with chronic illness.
To say this year has been tough would be the understatement of the century. It’s been a cluster of emotions to say the least. It’s forced us to change and be uncomfortable. It’s forced us to shed layers of our lives that are no longer serving us. It’s forced us to leave jobs and cities we love. It’s forced us to be open to growth and expansion outside of ourselves to move forward. It’s been fucking hard. And it’s been hard to wrap my head around what this is all teaching us. I have no idea what the silver lining is but I hope there is one. I stand by all you fellow chronic illness sufferers. We’re all in this together and we’ll get through it somehow. Community is huge during this time and I urge you to reach out to anyone who may be going through something similar or just a fellow human being. I’ve been a part of Generation Lyme since the start of the pandemic and I cannot recommend it enough for people who have Lyme disease. They have zoom calls multiple times every single week. Definitely check them out.
These are just a few things I’ve been thinking about that I wanted to share. Maybe I will have more thoughts soon, maybe not. I’m taking it day by day and doing what I can. I hope in five years we can look back and reflect on this monumental time in our lives with solemnity and gratitude that we got through it—together.